somewhere only we know

it's sort of the last time we meet today... don't understand why you want kallang macs lol. wish it is a little more impt to you.

past few days i've been thinking you were a jerk, you didn't bother to talk to me (as a friend), and i thought you wouldn't let me go so easily. i mentioned breakup cos you needed time to study. when i found out you had time to go to stuff like cip, eds concert, go to the pub, play basketball ( i saw you that day), take a sabbatical, i was really hurt. i thought i was the one who you could spend time with during your breaks. apparently you didn't think so, cos you told me you didn;t have time at all in that phone call... well, i'm still recovering from a broken heart. whenever i see how overfriendly you are on twitter, (you seem to be super active), yeap it hurts as well which was why i unfollowed you. then i was thinking, did you really say that you have no time as an excuse, because you no longer want someone like me? well i took what you said literally. i thought i should leave you alone to study. but in the end, you seem to take so many breaks. why did you tell me you were no longer active on twitter etc and you're mugging v hard to meet everyone's expectations?

i hope i'll get some answers today.. maybe you're really a jerk, maybe you aren't. all i know is i was in love with this amazing guy 9months ago. does he still exists today? i want to know how he could just let 9 months fade into nothing but a memory. i want to know if i'm that useless and insignificant in his life. i went to bed at 11 last night, and i couldn't sleep till 1. i need some answers love.

a friend said "if it's true love, don't ever let it go." i guess all to you wasn't true at all.

i just realized today is the 7th, 10 months since you made me feel really special on that fateful night. haha 10.25pm.

this will probably be th last time i'll be writing here... wish you all the best mighty jj!

that day i said i had a good dream, cos in the dream you told me you love me.

haha, but it was just a dream.

27/5/11

i cried so hard the whole of yesterday..., whenever i got alone. and whenever my parents were around i had to wipe all the tears away.

because you didn't try to keep me at all. you left everything up to me, because you no longer really want a say in this? i take it as you don't really wanna be back together anymore.. i wished you would stop telling me you don't know. i wish you told me you want to be with me, you wanna talk to me. i wish you told me everything we had was real.

if only... then we wouldn't be like this.

ive been wondering whether youve got back your report book... and how's your results? and your brother's graduation ceremony? how are you doing? did you ever feel like talking to me?

without you, i'm miserable at best.

26/5/11

so i told you we should stop talking on a daily basis. my friend said if we continue like this, we're just like what we used to be, a couple.

my other friend told me once we stop doing that, we'll fade away in each other's life, and it would be very difficult for us to get back together again.

i wanted to hear from you, you said you don't know once again. you always leave me hanging love. i felt really sad when i left you the last text, that's sort of the end of us already don't you get it?

once the feeling of sadness is gone eternally from my heart, that's when i would have already moved on. and it's a great shame, like my friend said. i feel really awful.

25/5/11

i forgot when was the breakup! but were you crying that night? heard you sniffing. glad i called you really, cos i could sense something rather wrong in your texts. we ended it amiably though, which is good!

saw you in the canteen today, haha my friend was wondering why you didn't pat me on the head this time like you always do. so i told her we broke up, and she was pretty shocked, just like zc. and she said we were a perfect couple, and it was so wasted to separate due to studies. i never knew haha, yajun said that we were perfect too. i don't know what perfect means. but i guess all good things have to end.

so i went out with yj, and she told me to stop msging you if we're just friends only. which is true actually. friends don't really text all day, it's rather wrong. what are we exactly?

anywayy, wished i could see you play bball during interhouse today. but i'm no longer who i am last year! hope the h20 brings back some memories.

9/5/11

haha i'm really awfully stupid sometimes. i know the past makes me unbearably sad. yet i scrolled back to the tweets he twitted to me around 100-200 days ago. it was really sweet. haha i should have treasured those moments.

i "giving away my macbeth notes!"
j "i want"

i "hello :D"
j "hi :D"

i "only babies take naps!"
j "really meh I thot u always take naps :D"
i "haha why go and reveal my secret!"
j "haha baby"

j "listening to songs is such a joy :D"
i "not having to study is such a joy!"
j "Hello you keep running and running leh!"

i miss you.

was really hurt you chose to go out w your friend today instead of me. thought you were a big advocate of solving problems face to face with me. maybe this time you can't be bothered to.

regarding emotional connectivity... i'm willing to tell you everything really except a deep dark secret. everyone has one. but it just kills me.

the whole day i was just trying to not think of you. successful to a certain extent. but it just bugs me horribly now. is it so hard to tell me you wanna talk to me?

sometimes people choose not to leave because of selfish reasons. But they know that things will get worse if they stay. I know, things are getting worse indeed.

Now thinking of solutions..

LDR( long distance rships) are sustained bcos both of the parties set aside time to talk to each other via webcam or sth every night. Text messages i feel are counter-productive towards your studies. Why nt just focus the entire day and talk to me once a week or something? I dont understand why you have to be so unreceptive..

If you can't accept how I want our rship to be (i.e. be connected more via phone calls), then i guess i can't accept it as well. I won't be happy without you. But I won't be happy with you either.

Yeah. problems aside, i miss you love. and i wish you didn't change so much.

isn't it all coming abit too late? you said we had no emotional connectivity from the start. WHY ARE WE IN A RELATIONSHIP? i feel extremely deceived. and disappointed.

i always have many things to say to you most of the time, especially when we hardly get the chance to meet these days. however, i always don't get the chance. you're really busy studying, and i'm glad that you are working hard for your own future!

sometimes my irrationality gets the better of me and i get annoyed when you don't make an effort to catch up with me, as in ask me how i am and etc via a normal conversation (texting doesn't really help yknow.) yeah and so i get annoyed. and you don't understand that i'm like this sometimes. insecure and feeling lonely. i wanted some form of assurance from you, something that tells me we're still together, and not just friends. yeah but you just said you only wanted to study. that's something rather terrible to hear.

when you're facing issues you don't tell me as well. i don't know why. maybe you have always just regarded me as a friend whom you don't share alot of things with. or maybe you think i'm redundant and just some burden. i can infer all sorts of negative things from your messages really. sort of just kills my mood. i was trying to catch up with you (i.e. trying to find out more about what's happening in your life bla bla) yeah but if you don't wanna share or anything, then i'll just back off srsly.

ahh and another thing, you're the one who said the heart emoticon represented love. so when i didn't put it you didn't as well. i thought you were mature enough to not follow me. but looks like you don't love me anymore as well lol. you were hardly like this. yeah so i guess i'm not that special anymore. and as time passes, ... yeah...

hmm i'm facing alot of troubles now. i just learnt that my grandma is diagnosed with cancer, and she doesn't have long to live. i hardly get to see her... like only once or twice a year. i feel really helpless. i wanna be there with her last few months or something. i want her to see me get confirmed in church, and receive a prize on speech day and things like that. i wanna go out to the beach with her, i want to taste her homecooked food, and be there to entertain her. the hard reality is that i can't.

and i've put in effort for chinese, yet i'm not reaping what i sowed. i got 0/20 for zonghetiankong -.- and i barely passed all the 3 tests i've taken so far. it's disappointing. and i failed a chem prac test as well. something's really wrong.

haha... really sad i've to resort to this to rant. you're in the same school as me, the very same country, yet you feel really very far away from me. i've things to tell you via texts, but after you reply hours later, i have already forgotten what to say. and it just reminds me that afterall, you hardly care anymore. you don't bother to call nor anything. every night there's a part of me that hopes you'll talk to me properly. i don't care if it's like once a week only or what. it keeps us together. now, nothing is.

maybe things would be better for you if we didn't end up together. i know you're unwell, hope you'll get well soon. i would definitely do something for you. but you show no intention of wanting to see me or anything so i guess not. hope you'll be fine soon. pull yourself together. anyway i think even facebook can make you feel better than i do i guess. lol. it's really sad that i've become so useless after almost 9months.
jy... love.

someone ditched me for lit. argh one of the lonely nights again, when someone doesn't continue to soothe this aching heart. you can just hang up, it's so easy. i wish you know what it means to me.

cos with us you'll never have to try too hard

ahhh sigh. i always get upset because of stupid things! today from a gd friend of mine, i saw how her boyf always waits for her after lessons every thursday despite the distance and the lateee time haha and i really... am quite envious of her. things always change, but things do not seem to change for this pair, as they still look as close and as loving? haha. can't say the same for mine. is it true that good things do not last? Z told me too that he and his girl messages around 60 times a day, which sort of reminds me of the past. it's strange how all these simple but happy things used to be mine, but now, i no longer have this privilege. sometimes i feel that it's too much to ask, but sometimes i feel that why couldn't we be like last time? he was always so excited to pass me chocolate bars, little notes and cards. now it's just, well, nothing of this sort. i feel that i'm going to lose everything sooner or later. why not just end it first?